Saturday, August 13, 2016

mottled

i’ve been thinking too much.

i’ve been thinking
i’d like to take a break from myself
or maybe just breakup
so i can break through
to get through.

so…
can i bother you for a ride?
i promise just to sit inside…
i just don’t to have to decide
anything anymore.

the thing is - i’ve found myself
so deep in a daydream
i’m little tempted by reality.
but it’s just my imagination
running away with me…
it’s just really
really
got a hold on me.

having reached my tethered end
having just learned to reach
i realize i now have to teach
myself how to fully breathe.
it’s hard to believe
difficult to conceive
how i can feel both running empty
and over-flowing
can i be both?

how is it possible to be both better & worse
at being what i am?
i feel regularly blown asunder
and i’m starting to wonder
what it is all for?
why is this pattern stuck
in a repetitious encore?
the chorus being a heart unsettled
a heart unknown to itself
its beating pattern irregular & lost.
perhaps this is just the necessary cost
of finding myself awake.

perhaps i just need to bleed,
in order to more clearly read
the map i’m following.
because this road less traveled
is still a traveled road
but one without easy orientation
giving a vertigo of blessed desperation.

i’ll admit –
it’s a little bit fun
to be out on the run
from my fears and doubts.
one whispers and the other shouts
but both cause me to take flight.
so maybe
just maybe
life is a long night
of a delightfully haunting daydream.

my lungs can’t take in
quite enough air
but maybe that means
i’m nearly there.
i’ve come so far
but also feel so far away.
and already nostalgic
for tomorrow’s yesterday

i know the truth is out there
but i’m afraid to find it too
…aren’t you?