Thursday, November 28, 2013

thanks

i give thanks:
that some days are harder than others
- it makes the less hard days a gift
that our path is often impossibly narrow
- it keeps me from going adrift
that choices are rarely easy
- it makes decisions an intentional shift

i give thanks:
for fear, self-doubt, anxiety
- so they can be things to face
for confusion, blindness, uncertainty
- so they can enforce a proper pace
for sorrow, mourning, loss
- so they may provide the experience of Grace

i give thanks:
that it is darkest just before dawn
-to keep me looking for the light
that we can get wounded and bruised
- to know healing is worth the long night
that finding our way is often a struggle
- to know that getting lost is part of sight

i give thanks:
for paralyzing acts of kindness
-to remind me that some gifts only be forward paid
for nonsensical forgiveness
-to convict me to give without looking to be repaid
for naked honesty
-to encourage me to be, likewise, unafraid



Wednesday, November 13, 2013

unheard


buried beneath layers of fabric,
camouflaging cloth,
it has been spoken
it’s just safely unheard.

in my terror
i wrap myself in the dust
taken from the growing collection
of my shelved denials,
but those ghosts were shaken off
closed behind an oaken door.
what was all the confirmation for?
it was Your voice...i could have swore…

but, i’m fine
i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine
and i don’t care to rewind
or reconsider, or change.

can i not just remain?
is this comfort a lie?
is it safety mal-applied?
am i really standing on quicksand?
i am Yours to command,
but i was hoping
that i was finally certain of something
that this could be one thing i knew for sure.

but the wind is astir,
raised at regular intervals
in increasing frequency
and it’s unsettled my resolve.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

google


google is a rather impressive invention (thank you captain obvious...i know).  but i also find it to be something that is metaphoric and a disheartening illustration of the internal processing of modern man.


in our interfacing with google, we become frustrated if the answer, the correct answer, is not provided within a split second.  our concept of time has been completely altered by this blessing-and-curse master work, and to wait a breath has now become an eternity.  we become further frustrated if the answer doesn’t pop up as one of the top search responses or (gasp!) if we cannot find the answer at all.  our expectations are high on the instant satisfaction of our curiosity and (temporary) ignorance on a subject.


when we go to google to uncover an answer (or rather when we go to be given an answer on a silver platter), we often don’t even phrase our inquiry as a question.  we simply type a series of words related to our inquiry into the google search box and google tells us what our question is.  


now this could just be due to laziness, due to our confidence that we need not waste time typing a full question out, because google will sort it out without that formality.  and google does.  


but i also think that, quite often, this is because we don’t actually know what our question is. we are curious about something, or frustrated by not knowing snippet of know-how, but we aren’t entirely certain how to ask about it, we can’t articulate what exactly is making us contemplative or agitated.  but never fear!  google even tells us what our question might be, and provides several alternative options as we type our confused collection of words in the search box.    


how identic i find this to be with my cognitive processing of myself and my life purpose.  i yearn for a direct and instantaneous answer to my many questions and frustrations about myself and my life circumstances.  how i wish God would give me direct and instantaneous answers to whatever question or struggle i might be carrying.  i feel frustrated and abandoned when He does not provide quick answers, reflexively thinking that since i didn’t get an answer right away, there must not be one at all.  how foolish.  


i often find myself wishing that God had a God-gle search box i could type confused words into and then He would sort out my question.  He could just tell me what is making me antsy, preoccupied, and pensive.  it would be so much easier.


but my contemplation of google made me realized that we’ve become a society fixated on answers, and addicted to instantaneous responses.  we work ourselves to the bone in the senseless drive for answer and, in the process, we lose sight of what is gained in the struggle and waiting for answers.  we have become blind and deaf to the blessing of things unknown, the gift that enduring uncertainty can be. there is something delicate and precious...and priceless, about wondering.  but we seem to have lost sight of that entirely.

don’t misunderstand, i’m thankful for the convenience of google, for the instant and endless amount of knowledge it provides us access too, i use it just as much as everyone else.  but sometime i just wonder what is lost in the struggle of discovery, the waiting for answers, and the fragile acceptance of simply not knowing at all.